I took a step of faith – listening to a whisper from God of one word: “write”
This is my second blog post and I already have writer’s block! But I know this is what I need to do. I have hopes that God will use it for his glory. I am struggling already, but sharing what’s on my heart.
About eleven years ago I moved across the country from New York City to Western Washington, due to some significant PTSD issues and the fact that I just ran out of money. As I am always hard-headed, God didn’t move me easily from east to west coast (wow! here’s a great new job opportunity for you and the company will pay your relocation expenses!), but I quite literally limped out of New York (yes, I was actually on crutches) feeling broke and defeated. This was the absolute lowest point in my life.
Miraculously, God provided me a strong support network of friends, family and counselors as well as a job within 6 months. I worked remotely, it was with a terrific group of people and it was full time. I started as a contractor but within a couple years I was hired full time. It was a tremendous blessing. And then… there was great turmoil in my business unit and my first amazing boss was laid off; soon thereafter my other amazing boss moved on to another role. Things started going down hill and eventually we learned my company was selling the business and we were all losing our jobs. As I was low man on the proverbial totem pole, I was tasked with nearly impossible projects so that my leaders could get bonuses (I certainly wasn’t getting one). Plus, all the strong leaders were laid off early so I ended up working for some not-so-strong leaders. My last few months at the company were extremely stressful.
However, prior to these announcements, I felt that God led me to get my real estate license. And when the announcement came down I thought: ok, it all makes sense now! God is preparing me to move into this new territory! After all, a friend who had left F/T ministry for real estate was doing quite well with it.
After four years of working the real estate business, it has just not panned out for me no matter what I try to do. I now find myself struggling financially and looking for a full time job while still trying to pursue some real estate clients. It’s been hard to understand. Why would I be led to get my real estate license and then have minimal success with it? I’ve battled some deep depressions over this on occasion. I can say, however, that these struggles have driven me to the Lord. Sometimes I felt like I only had strength to pray so that’s all I did. I’ve found myself a few times “going to the mat” with the Lord – lying prostrate on my floor, begging God for a breakthrough.
A friend recommended the book "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey. Plenty of disappointment in the Biblical stories but was eventually redeemed. One of my brothers once opined: You know, the parting of the Red Sea was ONE DAY in a period of 40 years wandering in the desert. I can see how they lost faith on occasion.
Despite this, I often, I find myself resistant to spending time with the Lord as the enemy whispers to me that God must not care about me or, worse, God is not there. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is an absolute lie. So sometimes I force myself in front of the Lord (mind racing) and sometimes I run to him with abandon anticipating what he will show me during our time together.
And so in this time, I:
· Pray
· Seek the Lord even if that is literally crawling to him with a feeble prayer
· Write
· Cast my bread upon the water – I am seeking a full time job, teaching and continuing down the real estate path.
And I am resting on God’s promises. Sometimes I have to speak them aloud to remind the devil that he’s definitely not in charge!
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:11-13
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light on my path.
Psalm 119: 105
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